Great Smoky Mountains National Park

                                                        Great Smoky Mountains National Park

                                                                                   By Eli

                                                                   Viewer discretion advised

MR. Elijah was recorded in front of live studio audience.

I’m just going to preface this by saying whoever picked for us to hike the Boogerman trail should be fired, out of cannon, into the sun. (Nothing against you mom, I might’ve talked to few local Mob bosses, but just don’t answer your door for a while). Oh no, where’s my script I knew it was here somewhere, ah forget it, who needs a script? Ok, so the Rocky Mountains! One of the greatest pla- what, you mean that’s the wrong one? Well, YOU’RE THE one holding the card. *Faint chatter* THEN TAKE IT UP WITH THE PRODUCERS! YOU DON’T GET PAID FIVE BUCKS A MONTH FOR NOTH’IN. GO!  GET ME SOME TEA AND DIET COKE! AND MAKE IT SNAPPY! Ugh, being the best director and main lead is tiresome. But at least it’s honest work. Sometimes I lay awake wondering why people got mad when I casted myself as the lead, who are they to tell me when I was clearly better than them? But who could blame them? I’m the best person in the world! And maybe the universe. Sometimes my awesomeness is just too much, and people start sprinting away. I couldn’t think other reason why. But enough about me, your glorious narrator. Ok is the camera rolling? Alright. Let’s talk about the Smoky Mountains and see if my film crew can GET IT RIGHT.

We entered the Great Smoky Mountains by way of a 6-mile dirt road with drop-offs nicknamed, “Death Road” by my Grandma. We arrived in the Cataloochee Valley, which is a less crowded part of the Smoky Mountains, and now I understand why. Cataloochee isn’t bad, but it doesn’t meet the criteria for a national park. Maybe state park. The entire time I felt like something was in the way of the true Smoky Mountains experience. After we set up at our campsite, we met two new characters in our story, Gary the inch worm and El Kira the Elk. El Kira greeted us by walking into our campsite right in front of all of us and started to pee as she blankly stared at us. I stared into her cold emotionless eyes with the only sound keeping me sane which was the silent whizz of liquid hitting the moist dirt. Gary was there too. Gary the inch worm made a great journey crossing for miles and miles from town to town in our Catan board game. The outside terrain was nothing to write home about, trees, trees, and more trees on mountains. Although, there was a river but we didn’t dare swim in it because we had no idea how many fishing lures had been lost in it. The atmosphere was cool, extremely smoky and you could hardly see the sky at any point of the day. Also, if you didn’t like the weather, you just needed to wait ten minutes and it would change. Fishing was non-existent as it was highly technical fishing along the river. But now the time you have all been waiting for, the big mambo jambo, THE THRILL SEEKING, BLOOD BOILING ADVENTURE! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I PRESENT TO YOU, THE BOOGERMAN TRAIL HIKE!

The Boogerman Trail; I had high hopes. I had a relaxing rest, a cup of coffee, and was ready for the adventure ahead. Within twenty minutes of beginning the hike, I was miserable. There were cobwebs everywhere, dead bugs and spiders were falling into my hair, and every flying insect in the vicinity wrote their will and testament and signed up for a one-way kamikaze trip into my eyes and ears. So, things were just going lovely. I trekked upward on the mountain thinking optimistically, “The more miserable a hike is, the better payoff with the view.” Turns out, I could’ve walked around the campground for five hours and gotten a better view. The sad thing is, that isn’t an exaggeration. So, after three hours of dragging ourselves to the top an uncomfortable nightmare, we looked down to see 7 DIFFERENT ROARING RIVERS WE NEEDED TO CROSS. Plus, we couldn’t walk through the river crossings with our regular shoes, we had to take them off and put on sandals! We stepped into the first crossing and realized it was colder than that one SUBSTITUTE TEACHER’S HEART! We also realized the rocks were slicker than ICE, COMBINED with a roaring river pulling us down. I PRACTICALLY TWISTED MY ANKLE AND FELL EVERYTIME I CROSSED. AFTER EACH CROSSING, WE HAD TO WIPE OFF OUR FEET FROM THE FRIGID WATER, PUT OUR WET/MOIST SOCKS BACK ON, UNTIE OUR SHOES AND THEN PUT THEM BACK ON….REPEAT THIS 7 TIMES…. Actually, IT ENDED UP BEING MORE THAN 7 BECAUSE AFTER WE WERE DONE, THERE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE BRIDGES TO CROSS THE RIVERS. BUT NO! HALF THE BRIDGES WERE BROKEN IN TWO, LIKE TOOTHPICKS. AFTER THE FINAL BRIDGE AND TRECKKING THROUGH THE WATER I WAS DRYING MY FEET AND A DEADLY CENTIPIEDE CRAWLED ONTO ME. I HAD TO STAND COMPLETELY STILL AND TRY NOT TO BREATH AS IT SLITHERED UP AND DOWN ME WITH ITS HUNDREDS OF LEGS. I PRAYED IT WOULDN’T BITE ME. AS I WAS HOBBLING BACK, TEETH CLENCHED, ANKLES BROKEN, SALIVA DRIPPING FROM MY MOUTH, WITH THREE MILES TO GO, A RANGER PASSED US AND TOLD ME US WE WERE CLOSE THE END OF THE HIKE. HE SAID IF WE DIDN’T MAKE IT, WE WERE SCREWED. WE’D HAVE TO HIKE BACK THROUGH THE RIVERS AND GO UP THE MOUTAIN AND WALK ALL 9 MILES AGAIN, TOTALING 18 MILES. SO, THROUGH SWEAT, BUGS, AND HOT TEARS WE PRACTICALLY STARTED SPRINTING TOWARDS THE EXIT. THEN IT STARTED TO RAIN AND THE MOSQUITOS CAME OUT AND STARTED TO SUCK THE LIVING LIFE OUT OF US. WE FINALLY DOVE FOR THE EXIT AS THE RANGER WAS CLOSING IT.

What Bull.

*Some parts of this text were exaggerated or were downright fake for comedic effect.

I would like to refrain from reviewing Great Smoky Mountains National Park because I have only seen a fraction of the area, but I will give it a score. *AHEM* THE FINAL SCORE FOR CATTOLOCHEE IS 3.9/10 AND A “D” RANKING. Why this score? I gave 2 points for Gary and El Kira, another 1.2 for wildlife (which were only Elk), .2 for atmosphere (because it was boring and pretty much the same as the entire east coast) and .5 for semi clean bathrooms. All other fields for review get zeros. Cataloochee gets a “D” for Do better. By the way, my parents and grandparents enjoyed their time in the Great Smoky Mountains. Well this has been fantastic! Thank you for everyone for reading, you’ve been wonderful!

#47nationalparksasafamily